The Happy Cook and the Mess Man

Pita the cook from Calcutta and Japati the mess man from Madras signed onto the MV Pacific Unknown (vessel and persons name changed to protect identities) thus entering a new world of weird and what may have often seemed like occult behavior of a straggling group of seafarers! Of the officers three were British (English, Irish and a Scot), one Yank, one Russian and one Indonesian. The crew, all from the Philippines with their own national divisions of identity - but that would be another story to be told.

The two merry men had of course been to sea before - the mess man strangely as an Electrician on a coastal tanker in India and the cook as a short order breakfast chef on an Italian cruise ship. But the wonder with which they took this fine crew in beat any past experience they may have had hands down, not to mention the fact that their initial offerings at the dining table did not pass muster!

Certainly, seafarers of different nationalities call and desire various offerings; the Scot his haggis and chips and the Pilipino his fish head and rice but a-la-carte menus are not the order of the day on Offshore Vessels. Take what you get or lump it, at most a choice of two dishes being served up. And so the cook and his merry henchman had the seemingly immense task of appeasing twelve large stomachs three times a day, and if they failed in their mission the Captains wrath, the Chief Engineers refusal to fix the galley range and the Pilipino gang style warfare would soon make them wish that some nearby hovering aliens would come and suck them away.

They tried, tried very hard indeed, but for the first two weeks life was terrible for all onboard. The Irish skipper took them through a crash course in cooking, although the fact that their English ability seemed to be have been garnered from a day out with a phrase book and that the Skipper had an amazingly strong accent, probably confused the issue more than necessary. Large lumps of fatty pork, a hastily chopped ensemble resplendent with bone dumped unceremoniously on a plate of plane boiled rice did nothing for most (although the Filipino's did not make a noise). The seaweed and boiled cabbage salad that received 10/10 for layout did not get touched and started to grow blue bits on it before some enterprising soul threw it (plate to boot) over the side. Oh, and the fact that the frozen chicken burgers were still frozen in the middle when served up did not help their integration in the slightest.

Japati had other duties than just the mere serving of "matter" at the table! As it was raining outside the captain had the crew indoors and over the period of a week they had managed to successfully strip and re-polish every floor, alley and deck in the accommodation, it looked superb! But then Japati being keen at his job stepped forth before most decent workers had risen! He started at the bridge and faithfully worked his way down, from alley to stair and back to alley before eventually arriving at the Control Room door, the end to his domain! He put away his mop and bucket of what he thought was floor cleaner but was in fact floor stripper and repaired to the galley to help the cook serve breakfast! Behind him he left a whole weeks work in disaster, a streaked mess of streaks that would take the crew a whole week to make good again.

Time passes as it always does! After a few weeks of constant calls to the bridge to be lectured at by the little understood master, after weeks of abuse and returned plates of untouched food and of cheese sandwiches being eaten in preference to all else, things looked very bad indeed. The Captain as a last resort had them both on the bridge and said they would be fired if things did not improve the next day. The frightened duo, not understanding a word, hastened back down stairs - even if they had understood the fact that the nearest port was three weeks away might not have lessened the fear of losing their jobs.

But one fine day not soon after this severe lecture was given to them something surprising emerged. From the ashes emerged two genuine characters, the new Japati and Pita.

It came in the form of a curry!

As a last resort and before starvation or permanent hatred of cheese set-in a general call was made for something that any self-respecting Indian should be able to hash up with his eyes closed. A request was made for a curry and the "madras" that appeared was devoured immediately by all onboard, requests were sent to the galley for more and the cook ran overtime when the pot ran dry for the first time in his career. Congratulations and cheers could be heard resounding throughout the vessel and the best bottle of brandy was cracked open, this was a day to remember.

The "Tandoori" the next day was scrumptious, the Lamb Tikka the following day a masterpiece in taste bud activation.

By the following week after a succession of curies of all strengths and colors a delicate plate of half raw potatoes sprinkled liberally with shaved olives on a bed of oil-cooked spaghetti was starting to look attractive once again!

But for some reason or other, whilst dishing out curry after curry the cook managed to pull his act together. He started to open up, to experiment and to dish up food that did not resemble regurgitated pig swill.

In fact before two months had passed Pita and Japati became happy, carefree souls who had integrated totally into the culture and established routine and lifestyle onboard. In fact, nobody complained about the food anymore. The Indonesian officer was heard shouting at them because his fresh carrot juice in the morning was not to his satisfaction; the captain did suggest that they clean out the storeroom once in a while (they went to the mate to get a translation) but the food was all-round excellent. A constant mixture of Western, Pilipino and European and even a Russian salad was served up that met the approval of that countries representative (once the chocolate buttons had been removed).

Little mistakes still appeared but these were tolerated with a smile and a laugh! The lunchtime salad that had more maraschino cherries in it than anything else did in fact go quite well as a desert, with some lemon sorbet. Oh and the bread rolls one morning did not fail totally, they made excellent cricket balls!

Long live Japati and Pita and may your careers at sea be long and fruitful - and Pita, whatever you do in-life don't consider a return to being an electrician!