Those Colourful Characters at Sea

NB: The nicknames of characters and seafarers mentioned below have been adapted and changed so that the recipients of these names may not feel insulted, shocked or slighted. Those parties who were unaware that a certain nickname was being used behind their backs may feel abused or sick to the bottom of their stomachs but as I clearly stated in the first sentence; I changed the names so that you wont know its you. For the sake of a good read just pretend it's not you except for Jock the Socks who will really have to do something about his smelly feet!

Life at sea would undoubtedly follow a set pattern if all seafarers were moulded in a similar way, 'tarred with the same brush' so to speak. Joining a ship would be predictable, mundane even and the only unexpected variables and quantity would be the typically uninteresting state of the vessel itself and the ports visited (a rare occurrence these days). As most seafarers will say, "it is not the vessel that counts but the people that you sail with".

The idea of every seafarer being an uncouth alcoholic is perhaps a notion borne from a few; in fact many seafarers no longer drink or ever drank for that matter! The idea of all sailors being fully-clothed in a variety of tattoos is not quite right; the odd sailor has "I love mama" or "zoebel sucks" clearly stamped on their fore-arms or foreheads but that was most likely done in a rash moment and for the most part today's sailors come tattoo free! Furthermore; the picture drawn of the captain being a fat drunkard with an overgrown beard and a skipper's hat on, the chief engineer as an oil-soaked wild-eyed grunter with a spanner in his hands and the cook a spitting freak wielding a meat cleaver might perhaps not be true of all!

Sailors are without doubt individually moulded and on any one ship each and every officer and crew member varies vastly from the next in character, build and intelligence! Yep, they are all in the same boat but sail to a different tune and thus a series of nicknames are borne: Happy Anthony, Funny Alistair and Smiling Abel and all those in-between and down the line to Grumpy Zack and Miser Zobel! And these names stick; used behind the backs of the intended but used none-the-less to talk about or describe to others! And on any given vessel there will be the happy go lucky types, the depressed, the desperados, the dour and the drunks - to name but a few!

One guy I sailed with recently is the nicest guy under the sun! Wouldn't harm a fly if it shat on his last peanut butter cookie! His voice though just drones on and on and on without inflection or pause! Throughout a monologue (including photographs) of his last trip never once did he change pitch, never once did I open my mouth and never once did he ask or enquire if I was still awake! In fact listening to him gave me endless headaches but I just couldn't get up the nerve to walk away from him or tell him to 'can it' as he was without doubt the most harmless and well meaning guy I have ever encountered! We called him 'Dour Jones'!

Another very nice guy that I sailed with ages ago was a Spanish Chief Engineer! But as soon as we started work, even if it was the most simplest of jobs his temper would burst and a tool would fly! I once went underneath the port engine to look for something and came out with a whole toolbox worth of spanners, hammers, a number of essential shifters and hundreds of spat dummies! We called him the exploding spanner!

The Bear was the first Chief that I ever sailed with! A large man and as the norm in those days he never appeared down the engine room. He just sort of lumbered his way around the alleys and was sometimes seen in the bar, although he usually drank by himself! My first real viewing of the Bear was when he fell down the stairs from his cabin and broke the Christmas tree in half! He has no actual memory of that event!

Sailors though are apt to change character when under pressure, when in receipt of bad news from home or when their relief ends up in Timbuktu rather than on the docks in Singapore! It could be suggested, by those that still picture seafarers as large hairy men with tattoos and a quart of rum that these sudden changes in character resemble mood swings resulting from drug abuse or alcoholic overdose but this is not the case. The cause of the majority of abrupt mood swings are in fact totally devoid of substance abuse and more to do with life around them, those that they sail with, company attitudes and pressures of life or sudden withdrawal of said pressure of a life back home.

A 'Dear John' letter would naturally cause any seafarer to suddenly hit the bottle or to stare dramatically into the sea from the stern hoping to be drawn asunder. Constant attack from a superior or the sudden onset of too much responsibility may cause a happy person to become withdrawn, sullen even. Too much pressure or attack from another may cause a normally attentive individual to become easier going and slack as he gives up caring about the job. The same individual may alternatively become aggressive to those below in rank and to become morose to his equals or superiors!

Each sailor leaves home with a built up mindset of being once again free, impending adventure, sadness or broken heart. Each sets off with a suitcase or two that often causes considerable concern for baggage handlers or some depart with just a rucksack, a second pair of underpants and a toothbrush - some not even with that. The baggage though that travels in the brain usually far outweighs that in the cargo hold!

I recall clearly a third engineer that I sailed with on a ferry out of morocco! There were three Thirds on the ship; I being another and this other guy who I called 'Mad Prat' hated me with a passion! Not sure were this hatred emanated from or why it existed but he just hated me and made sure that I knew about it! I used to relieve him on watch and find all sorts of messages written on bulkheads, boiler suit legs tied-up and grease in the boots! I was paying off soon and rather than cause a big fuss by retaliating I just let it happen - probably hoping that it would all die down! But it didn't! I even found messages scrawled behind water tanks that read "Ian is an ar***le"! I hope it made him feel better!

One watch he took all the hinges off the doors to this large spares cabinet and upset the air compressor so that it would fail on my watch! Per chance I had more problems than expected and lost all the air to the engines! The other air compressor had started but immediately lost all its oil so ……… I called the Chief down! I was busy trying to find out the problem with the first compressor and the chief started work on the second. He went to the stores cabinet, went to open up the doors and found himself flat on his back with two large steel doors pinning him to the floor!

Mightily bruised and angry he called to account the culprit and the next day "Mad Prat" found himself walking up the gangway with a one way ticket to the MV Manchester! Hope he found a use for the shackles I put in his suitcase before he left!

One common characteristic that most sailors have though is complete toleration of others; creed, shape, religion and gender! It is oft said that there are three things that should not be talked about on a ship, these being in order; religion, politics and sex! This may have changed in recent years as many conversations that I have had mentioned all three, mostly with a lot of swearing or leering included but in-depth and enjoyable banter none-the-less! It is though a subtle hint that the various people found onboard will have different backgrounds and ideas and to either abuse one for his beliefs or attack another for his appearance will make life difficult if not impossible for the recipient and in the long run for all onboard!

I recently sailed with "Jock the Socks"! An interesting chap, tall and keen at his job. But his feet stank to high heaven and it made life uncomfortable, not just for those in the vicinity but for everybody onboard! Breaking the boundary of non-interference I had to take him aside one day and suggest that he wash his socks more often as sitting near him was becoming impossible! He washed his socks, oh yes he washed them. He must have taken what I said personally and he went all out to make sure that no bad smell would ever emanate from his feet again! I had to take him aside the following week to suggest that the potent perfume he was using on his feet was rather overpowering and that maybe he should just wash his socks only and leave the perfume bit out! He washed his socks, I saw them in the washing machine of an evening, first thing in the morning but ......... his feet still stank!

On another note; "Betty" was the cook! He was a large man, ungainly and extremely withdrawn unless he felt that he wasn't under threat; not very often in other words. He came to me one day and asked if he could borrow a pair of pliers. A lent him a large pair of oil-soaked, chipped and experienced pliers and off he toddled with them in his chunky paw! It was ten minutes later as I was in the galley to get a cup of coffee that I noticed that he wasn't there! Strange! I had presumed that he wanted the pliers to fix a pot or pan but …………. I found him in his cabin, blood all over the floor and the miscreant pair of now blood-soaked pliers in his mouth! He was just doing a bit of DIY! Anyway, needless to say when we went ashore in Shoreham most of us where looking forward to chatting up some local lasses; 'Betty' got lost following some builders up a ladder!

Space and escape is something that most seafarers need and require at some point during their trips! Space in the form of privacy or mind clearance to recollect and regroup thoughts and feelings and to reform and pad out the brain ready for the next step or day! I personally always find that early mornings do the trick! I get up at around 6am when nobody else is around and without interruption or noise I can sip a cup of coffee and get some essential paperwork out of the way!

Others though need different times and means to clear the brain! 'Singapore Sling' used alcohol to clear the cobwebs out of his brain! All fair and square except for the fact that he felt it necessary to start at morning smoko with the Gin and progress to the bottom of the bottle by late afternoon! I caught him doing some painting one day, he managed to re-coat a one foot square section of the cargo rail blue when the rest was orange and by the time he had finished it was three inches thick! We never did recoat it - a sort of tribute to Gins influence! He got sacked from a gas tanker for setting fire to his bed; fell asleep whilst smoking!

Ieuan Dolby
Author and Webmaster of Seadolby.com
23rd May 2006