The Candidate for Prime Minister

Thanks for cumin'. Right, let's not mess around: I'll get straight to the point so that you-all can get yourselves back home, grab a pint and put your feet up in front of the squawk box. I'm not gonna say anything different than I said last time, I'm not gonna blast you out with big words and even bigger tales and I'm not going to waste your time by running down my opponents. Suffice it to say that they are all liars, cheats and couldn't organize a piss up in a brewery if there lives depended on it.

I was recently having a beer with a couple of Union bosses and having a laugh about how Labour is now more Conservative than the Conservative Party. Pile of boluses really! Makes it even harder to choose who to vote for! Going Green doesn't really do much for anybody, who wants to save forests in Brazil or count whales? I certainly don't. Anyway, what I am trying to say is that whoever you vote for or whatever your principles are none of them have any face value.

I stand for myself and me alone. If you vote for me I tell you straight that all current policies, laws and regulations will remain the same during my time, no new ones will be added and the House of Lords might as well disband from lack of use! I have no intention of withdrawing or putting in more troops into other countries, unless the EU requests them (too much trouble to argue otherwise) and basically the American President will call the shots regarding our foreign policy! I don't want to get involved in situations abroad, it's all rather complicated and messy and apart from the odd trip here and there to have a beer and accept some bribes I'm not planning on making any rash statements one way or another that concerns another country - unless of course it fuels our subservient relationship with America.

Many of you might like to ask me why I want to remain faithful to the USA! I ask myself that question quite frequently and can never really find a suitable answer!

I know that a few of you here today are here for the free biscuits having just staggered around from the homeless shelter next door and that is fine with me, your life will not change immeasurably in the near future anyway so just enjoy whilst you have the chance. All you others may be wandering what my domestic policies are. I certainly have quite a few policies, I think I did but I can't find the cards, and once I am in power I will start to implement change. It would be nice to see a better health care system, a rail and transport system that is no longer the butt of Continental Europe's mirth and of course to all be richer. But let's face it, I am not going to waste my time in office considering any changes, trying desperately to persuade wieldy and useless companies to plough back some of the profits into infrastructure nor am I going to try and make life better for you. Believe me this is not because I am unaware of your plight but like yourselves I just haven't got the enthusiasm and energy to get off my backside to do something about it. And again being honest you don't do much to help yourselves so why should everybody else help you.

I'm sure that I had some policies: I was in the pub last night and I am sure that I wrote some cards out or maybe I lost them when I was halfway under the pool table! Got a bit pissed last night. Anyway, not to worry, like many a leader before me I will just have to see how the job goes and how it pans out. Take it on a day to day basis.

Now that I think about it, probably due to the pounding in my head receding, I did want to talk about a couple of problems that our British Society is facing. One of them is obesity, especially amongst school age children and although McDonald's is putting salads on their menu this does not really solve the problem as the dressings have more calories than a simple burger had in the first place. If anybody has any good ideas about how to reduce weight then it would be great to hear from you, contact me - hopefully at 10 Downing Street in the not too distant future. I had a bag of fish and chips last night after my heavy drinking binge, wander if they are good for you? I am in need of a bit of weight loss: the spare tyre around my midriff is interfering with the view of my toes.

Yes, we've had some terrible weather recently. Hope it warms up soon, I do like a good hot summer. There was a bit of drizzle last night noticed that when I was staggering back from the pub with my greasy chips halfway down my shirt front. Don't remember getting up the stairs to my flat but it certainly wasn't the first time that I have suffered memory loss whilst under the influence and it certainly won't be the last time! At least in Downing Street there is always a copper to point me in the right direction.

Anyway, don't want to keep you too long. I really do apologise for not having a clearer domestic policy but then who cares anyway. So just leave and get yourselves home, have a hot shower and a shot of whisky if you can afford it, a glass of water if you can't and return to the everyday lives that you came from. And I will go back to the pub to see if I can find those missing cards, if I wrote them at all and have a pint whilst there. If I do find them and if I get into power I can have another look at what I had written on them or something.

Yes, marm you can take the ginger snaps with you.

Okay then have a nice day folks. Oh wait a minute; you might be wandering why you should vote for me. Well, simply because 'I speak the truth, the plain truth and nothing but the truth so help me lord' - because I am like you, I am one of you; I am totally apathetic to the world around me just like you. I am one of you!

Yes marm, you can take the plate as well.

Ieuan Dolby
Author and Webmaster of SeaDolby.com
Copyright © Ieuan Dolby, October 2004