The Presidential Candidate

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for your attendance on this extremely beautiful day! Before launching whole heartedly into my campaign speech and before I start telling you the biggest pile of junk that you have ever heard I must apologies for the rain and sleet that is currently lashing down on your heads. By the way if you wish to purchase an umbrella there is a stall just behind you. I own the factory in mainland China that makes them .. no discount today I'm afraid!

Well, now that I have your attention I would like to start off by telling you that our country is in a terrible, terrible state. The last few years have wrecked havoc on the American economy; there are now more poor and unemployed people in the States than when Christopher Columbus first got itchy feet. The streets are dirty, buildings are falling down, the rest of the world despises and hates us and crime is at an all time high. Certainly, many Americans are showing signs of anger towards a crumbling health care system, nobody seems to care that half their wages disappear on taxes and insurance, that Americas Children are verging on obesity before they even start school and that when they do get to school there is not much to learn as the educational system is basically all about examinations and sex.

What this country needs is a strong president: one who will listen to what the people are saying, who will run America for Americans and one who will stop interfering in the world's problems. But let me tell you my new friends that never in a million years will you get a President that puts you first. I also will totally disregard the common mans livelihood and welfare unless it in some way benefits the rich or because I have to. I, as the contender for the 52nd Presidency of the United States, whole heartedly agree with my predecessors in their constant search for earning more money, and I as the future president of America will ensure that the companies that I own will get richer and that my very own bank account will get fatter and that you my dear, dear commoners will get poorer and poorer - all at my expense!

If I get to sit in the comfy chair in the White house I promise you that I will not increase taxes, that interest rates will remain low and that my main objective will be to reduce unemployment to zero within three months. I will create jobs, I will stop needless immigrants entering our country and I'm going to wear a pair of Donald Duck pyjamas when talking to Larry King Live!

My Foreign Policies: Over the last few years this country and the rest of the world has seen a massive rise in terrorist activities, some of which have landed on our sacred doorstep. I as the future president will make every effort to fight terrorism at home and abroad, I intend to reduce nuclear proliferation to zero within three days in office and I intend to invite the Korean Leader Kim il Jong to the Oval Office for tea and biscuits. I will at the same time and probably just after he has tasted my special creamy buns ask him if he wants to buy some nuclear stuff at great cost thus filling up our government coffers nicely. This sale of enriched uranium to the last communist leader (and one who is completely off his rocker by the way) will ensure that a cold war situation continues to ferment in the Asian Pacific region, that we will therefore be required to re-arm and sell the latest in weapons to loads of threatened countries nearby and that America will profit very nicely from the deal indeed.

Many Americans and fellow Brits have not quite got to grips with why Saddam Hussein was ousted from power. There are many people who seem to think that the main aim behind sending armed forces into Iraq and Afghanistan was to force a democratic process into being. Others attempt to make links between Saddam Hussein and world terrorism but there is no proof of this and anyway terrorist activities are now far worse than ever before. These ideas and the many others that have surfaced as justification are utterly fictitious and baseless, all designed to give some legitimacy to our actions. As President I intend for the record to tell the world the truth regarding American (and the puppets that follow us) military activity and as in the last few cases that our troops were primarily sent to the Middle East to protect and to win over the large oil reserves that these countries possess. The ensuing battles also went along way to helping our economy by American companies being awarded the large project concessions and through the need to re-arm our armies, navies and air force.

Before I continue I would like to drag your attention to the extremely obvious 'down and outs' who are walking around selling ice-cream. They are all illegal-immigrants but seeing as how I own the ice-cream factory I find it costs less to feed and whip them than it would be to employ American Citizens. In fact, whilst you are all condoning slave labour by purchasing these ice-creams, I would like to point out that you can, any time you like, start to think for yourselves - its snowing for god's sake!

My Domestic Policies: Okay! On the home front I have some issues that I would like to iron out. ..pause .. In actual fact, looking at the flash cards in front of me I find that they are blank. I'm so sorry but it seems that I don't have any policies or issues regarding the current domestic situation. It would seem that I don't care one iota about spiralling taxes, increased poverty and the use of genetically modified food to feed the millions. Oh well, that's all I have to say to you then! You may all go home early today and next month when you are told to go to a polling station you will vote for me!

Should you require transport back home then get a taxi: the public transport system has stopped functioning due to a serious lack of interest. Okay now, have a nice day common people!

Ah, wait a minute, before you toddle off to your scummy lives! If any of you are perchance wandering why you should vote for me well, the fact is I just can't lie so "what you see is what you get"!

Ieuan Dolby
Author and Webmaster of SeaDolby.com
Copyright © Ieuan Dolby, October 2004