Up and Away

For most passengers, taking a flight is synonymous with a nice holiday, the visiting of relatives or attending an interview, so any feelings for the aircraft they currently have the pleasure of sitting in are thankfully forgotten about.

I have seen the light! I have become due to my work a frequent flyer, I thus look upon flying with trepidation and complete angst.

Seats for starters. There is something about the seats that I find quite peculiar. Obviously great study has gone into these seats, studies to ascertain what would be suitable for imprisonment of humans for sustained periods of time. Yet I have sat in a McDonald's more comfortably (albeit not for the same amount of time) and whilst waiting for attention at the bank. The seats in planes are hard and unforgiving, cramped, not suited to the contours of any shape of human and can anybody tell me about the armrest?

I am tall and skinny which should not be a problem but that armrest becomes a source of friction from the moment I sit down. Is it mine? Is it my neighbors? Does he have the front part of the rest and me the back or vice versa or does he get to use it for the first hour and me the next? As a result of my thin build the passenger that sits next to me always regards this division as his/her property and I sit seething for the best part of the journey. I tend to give hints in the form of nudging my neighbors arm whilst they are drinking or when they return from the toilet they find my arm suitably covering the whole arm rest with no space to spare. Worse still is ending up with a middle seat and with two armrest's under contention. I have endured many a long flight with my arms folded across my chest whilst two extra large persons have made use of my arm rests and utilized parts of my seat as well. I suppose possession is nine tenths of the law so I will just have to check in early and be first onto those rests in future.

What becomes a greater source of irritation to me are the neighboring passengers themselves. For example the massive lady, (sitting half in my seat as well as hers) who insisted on knitting for the whole of a fourteen hour flight. I was squashed up in my corner against the window, trying to keep calm, whilst this gentle nudge, nudge of her elbow pushed me to my limits as she peacefully clicked on with her needles. I asked her once if she could stop nudging me whilst knitting but after five minutes away she went again. A bit like the water drip method of Chinese torture.

Generally, the question of seating invariably arises at the check in desk when you are asked "and would you prefer an aisle or window seat sir"? This is an extremely loaded question, one that sounds full of promise in that you are choosing between two wonderful and comfortable seats. Whilst in reality am I going to choose the aisle seat and suffer the constant annoyance of being disturbed, being knocked about by trolleys as they whiz round but having the ability to get up when I choose, or take the window seat? From experience I find the window seat the better option but only just. The window normally provides a light rest for my head and greater escapism from the hustle and bustle in the aisle. Yet, I do remember once how this rather large Asian lady and her husband occupied the seats next to me on a long-haul flight and they slept the whole way. I tried to wake them up at one point to gain access to the toilet but they were dead to the world. I tried to climb over them but found my foot in the gentleman's stomach even then he did not wake up. So I suffered, squashed into half a chair, unable to stretch my legs and incapable of doing any of the recommended exercises, as apart from having no room I was bursting for the toilet.

On one flight to Canada a Basketball team was on tour. Oh how terrible! Just imagine a whole team of players with an average height of six foot six trying to make themselves at home? Their legs would not fit into the space provided and sitting at an angle with the knees in aisle was the only way they could get by. They could not even stand up without hitting their heads on the luggage buckets. I felt at that moment that we should price tickets with regard to size, weight and smell. Me being light but tall would probably get a medium priced ticket. Those that are extremely large pay a large price and those with extremely long legs get the flight for free. Oh and those that have excessive BOA get the free use of a shower and a change of clothing before they are allowed on board.

We often have severe feelings of claustrophobia or antagonism towards our fellow passengers yet there is not much that we can do about it. We have to sit there and suffer hopefully falling asleep so that the torment can be removed for a time. I recently read in one newspaper about a man that complained volubly to the stewardess, requesting that he be given another seat. You see this "white" man was objecting to the fact that he had to sit next to a coloured man, and he did this in a violent and objectionable way. The stewardesses informed him that there were no available seats in economy class and that he would just have to remain where he was. Well, this did not sit too well with him and he continued his objection to whoever would listen. Eventually the pilot came forward and spoke softly to the man, stating again that there were no available seats in economy although there was one in Business Class. Well, this man stands up all satisfied and arrogant, collecting together his personal effects. "Oh, not you" the pilot said, "for this gentleman", pointing towards the poor victim. And the Victim became the victor in one fell swoop! I love this story and its conclusion how to put one man in his place. This occurrence kept me going for the whole flight with a smile - I let my fellow passenger have the armrest without complaint.

Ieuan Dolby
Author and Webmaster of SeaDolby.com
Copyright © Ieuan Dolby, Aug. 2002