The United Hotel, Taipai

My family and I have stayed at the United Hotel many times over the last few years! It's functional, reasonably priced, it's central and it's comfortable. What more can a traveller ask for?

The United Hotel Doorman, Tony
Photo Copyright © Ieuan Dolby, 2007

Admittedly not all might seem attractive at first glance! The extremely effeminate and communicative doorman, who greets us as lost friends and who hugs and kisses without restriction might put many people off from returning but to us he has become a character of the establishment. He does not fit it with the rest of the hotel; the management having recently decided that having more females working there might attract more Japanese business men was slightly overdone. Having bypassed 'Tony' our friendly doorman (and after checking he had left no lipstick on our cheeks) and entered the lobby a horde of tight-skirted girls rush to give advice, to offer directions and to hold lift doors open - they totally bored needing something to do to pass the day!

The girls are all okay! It is not their fault that the hotel employed them to look pretty, and they as much as the next person, need a job! None of them are on the game, this is just a simple exercise - as much as an art lover would like a hotel with quality pictures on the walls, a Japanese Businessman likes to be shown where the lift is by a girl who has a nice figure! Something to goggle at through his large bottle cap glasses as he follows behind her!

The Room at the United Hotel
Photo Copyright © Ieuan Dolby, 2007

The hotel has a feel to it that is out of synch with the actual rooms. Each room is well equipped with an unusual arrangement of bathroom with glass windows looking out of the rest of the bedroom. The shower and bath is excellent and this hotel is about the only one that I enjoy having a long soak in. And then the bed might just be the crowning glory - it is so unbelievably comfortable! 90% Mongolian Goose feathers with 10% South African Wild Duck Down in the pillows? I know not, but the bed puts the five-star Sheratons, the six star Hiltons to shame and they are an extremely good reason for returning to that hotel time and time again - as after all hotels are usually booked for the beds that they provide anyway.

The room is excellent but the halls and lobbies faded and worn zebra patterned carpets make one wonder who designed the hotel, an animal lover who likes a good sleep perhaps! The lifts crank up and down strenuously, the breakfast buffet tries hard to compete but invariably fails and then there is no swimming pool.

My wife was out with a friend one evening and I was busy persuading my son that sleep might be a good idea when the doorbell rang! I thought it was my wife returning early and I opened the door and started to walk away when it dawned on me that the doorbell ringer was not quite as tall as my wife is, that she was in the room before I could blink an eye and that she was wearing a top that left little to the imagination. I stumbled a bit here, at first I thought she was the friend that my wife had gone to have a drink with, then I thought that it might be room service and I even came to the conclusion that this was some sort of a practical joke (or test) that my wife was playing on me.

The girl said "okay"?

I said "Erm, can I help you".

She said "okay"?

I reopened the door that she had shut, and half dragged, half pointed her towards the room number on the door, an attempt to start a dialogue in international sign language! She simply nodded her head and worked her way back inside the room again.

It was at this point that a picture started to build in my mind ……..so I said "NO", perhaps too loudly and waggled my finger backward and forward.

There could only be one explanation for this; she was a call girl, an escort, call her what you may. She had been given a room number to attend, thus the confidence and lack of surprise when it was I that had answered the door. I could have been a frog dressed up in a dress for all she knew, but that did not matter, she was paid for services rendered.

At this point she pulled her mobile phone out and called up whoever had arranged the details (her pimp perhaps) only to be told that she had the right room. We enacted out our discussion once more of "okay?" and "NO" and with this final declaration I pushed her once more out of the room and shut the door behind her. I did not want to be rude but …..my son meanwhile was oblivious to all of this as he had fallen asleep unexpectedly!

I told the wife later about what had occurred and she was angry. She wanted to rush down to the reception desk, get a manager within hitting distance and tell them what had just occurred. She was of the serious opinion that they would be shocked but I explained that the hotel would not be. They turn a blind eye to such happenings, as long as it is conducted discreetly, as long as it not placed in front of other guests and as long as the girls don't go too far with the 'skimpy' bit then live and let live! We are after all talking about a hotel that sees many Japanese Business men passing through the doors.

We worked out afterwards what had happened! We had arrived early at the hotel and as our previously arranged room was not ready yet they had changed some guests around. Obviously these changes had not worked there way to the pimp, and obviously there was one very frustrated businessman checking to see if his doorbell was working or not!

The United Hotel
Photo Copyright © Ieuan Dolby, 2007

I like the hotel though! It has character; it is comfortable and clean and is close to the underground, the shops and life outside.

Despite the extra-curriculum activities going on around us and despite our overfriendly doorman the hotel provides quality and so we will be going back again!