Getting Married

Getting married in Taiwan requires enormous strength, courage, forward vision and lots of money. No matter the wishes of the couple, the financial status of the brides family or the financial status of the grooms for that matter: nothing comes under consideration in the process. Money will be spent and the wedding will be a grand affair, regardless of any other external or internal factor.

As an overall backdrop: weddings are a period of frustration for all concerned and a time for digging deep into pockets for money that may or may not be there. If it is readily available then it will be readily spent. If it is not available then it must be found and then readily spent. Loans are the most common of sources for financing weddings and these loans maybe with the married couple for the next ten years or so, but they have no choice. The parents dictate how and in what manner the weddings will be conducted and if they themselves do not have the cash to pay for it then their offspring (the groom) will have to find it.

Family unity is far greater than we have in the Western World. Eloping and getting married in Reno or in Gretna Green will not be tolerated and if two couples should do such then they will become the Black Sheep of the family. No relatives and including the mothers will talk to them in the years ahead; they will be cast aside as they provoked the loss in face in a big way by simply running away to get married. And therein lies the first rule that the wedding will be had in Taiwan and with the family involved.

Money, sons and "face", are the most important features of life in Taiwan and although this seems old fashioned they are and will remain so for current generations.

Money is the passport to all riches and anybody without instant spending cash is unworthy. Money provides the means to show good "face" to the outside world, money buys material worth and status in society, money buys friends and influence. A lack of money ruins a persons or familys image, reduces status and shame is piled high on those that can not afford to buy their way into society. Gossip and "the talk about town", is all about those that have lost "face", and only money can re-earn that lost respect and position within the community.

Sons are regarded as the heirs, the earners, the familys future and the heads of the family when their turns come. Emphasis by the parent is always placed on the son, regardless of whether they have three daughters older than him or not. Sons can get away with murder yet daughters seemingly manage to do everything wrong. Sons come first and parents attention is always channeled towards his future and progression in society, his achievements at school are promoted with all the money and influence that the parents can buy. The son is petted and cared for and whatever he wants he will get; sons are the bread and butter for the parents when they themselves can no longer work.

Daughters on the other hand are just annoyances and a waste of space. Daughters are grudgingly fed and given minimal education and attention. Why spend money on the daughter to go to University when she is only going to marry and have children? So what if the daughter gets an A in mathematics, that is not going to help her look after all her babies. Daughters are loved but are not looked after; sons are loved and pampered to every whim. Daughters, before they get married give well over half their wage to their mother leaving not much and often not enough for themselves to live on. When the daughter gets married this money is no longer available to the parents and therein lies the point behind a parents outward lack of true love for their daughters. Sons will provide and continue to provide for their parents till the day they die. Daughters on the other hand cut off all financial ties to their parents the day that they get married and are thus no longer a lifeline to be mollycoddles, twisted and to be sucked dry!

Many a daughter, even today, has their husband skillfully chosen for them and for a daughter to step out of line and marry a poorer subject or a foreigner who is an unknown quantity is regarded as a sin. It can take many years of grinding and heartache to turn the brides parents around and once they do so money immediately comes into the equation. Is the future son-in-law wealthy enough and does he have a good job, will he be able to look after the bride and will he share the money with the brides family? This last question is unasked but is silently blared out for the groom to hear.

If the groom manages to show to the family that he has a good job, that he can take care of their daughter for life, then the question of money is the only question remaining. You see the son must buy the daughter before he can get married. Typically a message from the mother will be passed to the daughter and this message will contain a sum.

The prospective groom will receive this figure and shake his head in shock. He will feel like running to the toilet and being sick, he will feel like giving all up and running back home in despair. He will look at the figure suggested and only imagine how he would get hold of such a sum.

Once realizing that he has to find the money then he goes to the bank and obtains a loan to cover the lot. Leaving the bank with a debt that will take him well over ten years to pay off and leave nothing left over for a honeymoon. This sum of money will be transferred to the future mother in-law and he will never see a penny of it again. He has in reality bought the daughter from the parents by giving them a lump sum of money. This lump sum could be in the region of 6,000 pounds at the minimum and is designed to give to the parents money that they will no longer receive from their daughters wage in the future.

So, in basis the money problem is out of the way for the groom. In basis he can now get down to planning and enjoying the wedding process as it builds up to the wedding day itself. In theory he should be able to enjoy every day as it comes without money rearing its ugly head again. Except for the fact that either he or his parents must find additional cash to pay for the wedding itself, the wedding cakes and the photographs as must the brides parents for their part. Ouch! And nothing is cheap!

Money delivered and the fact that the brides family has accepted that it will happen it is now time to arrange the engagement day and the wedding day, send out invitations, buy the wedding cake and take the photographs. This requires the services of the Matchmaker.

The Matchmaker is a woman chosen by the grooms family for the sole purpose of being a go-between the two families. The Matchmaker is typically of a wealthy and upstanding member of the community, dressed smartly and holding certain skills in diplomacy. Anything that the families have to discuss regarding venues, guests, setup, scale, financial details, etc will be brokered through the services of this Matchmaker.

The date of the wedding and of the engagement party is of the utmost importance and has absolutely nothing to do with the couple concerned. This is something that is sorted out between the mothers, the Buddhas and culture. This is something that is carefully worked out as to please all concerned and so as not to step on anybodys toes: least of all the Buddha and his wishes. By attending a temple and by providing the Birth Dates of the couple concerned and by following the Moon Calendar, a certain day may come forth as the Gods decree

The Moon Calendar or the Lunar Calendar is the Chinese Calendar and for example it is not suitable for a couple to marry in the Ghost month. This will typically fall during the Western months of August and September. The Ghost Month being the period which is for the ghosts in hell to come up and live on land and get a breath of fresh air. Food will be given to them and ghost money will be burnt and after the month is over these ghosts will return to the hell that they came from. Whether you understand or believe what is being said here, just remember that it is unwise and most unsuitable for a wedding to take place during the ghosts visit.

Any day of the week is favorable and any other month could be a possibility according to a complex system worked out by the Buddhas and according to the Lunar Calendar. But other factors play an important part in the chosen date, like the fact that a daughter cannot get married before the first brother himself weds and neither couple can get married in the same year as another family member.

Days chosen and it is time to move forwards in the process. Months before, all concerned will have been dreaming up guest lists and who needs to be invited. Cakes need to be chosen and photographs need to be taken. Dresses need to be found and venues need to be arranged.

Taking the photographs is a chore for the prospective couple alone and the parents tend not to involve themselves in this event slight grace for the pressured couple. About the only thing that the now enthusiastic parents do not involve themselves in!

Wedding shops are found ten to the dozen in Taiwan. Wedding Shops provide a full range of services from the Taking of the Photographs to hiring out the many and colorful dresses that the bride will require, unless she has so much money that she can afford to buy her own.

First comes the photographs and these are taken well before the Wedding Day. The photographs normally take a day to complete and consist of the couple posing for six hours or so whilst the photographer clicks and arranges away in front of various screens of different colors. Thousands of photographs in varying poses are taken and the couple slowly gain extremely sore necks and cramped legs, whilst trying to please the pernickety Photographer. Every so often the couple will (at the click of the photographers fingers) strip off one set of blue satins or cream nylons and zip up in some other fancy wedding dress or suit that the shop provides for the occasion.

After the six hours it is time to go out to town. Yes, out on the streets and have more pictures taken in varying poses, draped over fountains, eating ice cream beside broken down trains and lying awkwardly on grass lawns. All dressed up in suits and wedding dresses and sweating profusely in the process. Should the wedding couple look around whilst they are posing they will see scores of other similar couples on a similar mission draping themselves over other fountains or balconies as they come to them.

The photograph session over and the wedding pictures having caused mass disappointment to the couple when they get to see them, various results are now chosen. Pictures are chosen by the couple from the many available to make up two (or more) large Albums, two (or more) larger and framed pictures and loads of wedding invitations that will shortly be distributed. The wedding invitations will be specially prepared at the shop and the chosen photographs will be included inside, nicely framed so that the receiver of an invitation will get a picture of the couple smiling up at them and dressed up in full regalia.

When the cards are sent out to the guests they must be sent out with the Wedding Cake. Nothing like the Wedding Cake back home, these cakes are more like cookies in a cardboard box. Hundreds of individually wrapped butter cookies in a fancy box!

The brides family gets together with the grooms family through the services of the Matchmaker and a Wedding Cake finding mission date is set. Once a shop has been chosen all members will seat themselves at a table and prepare to taste their way through the afternoon and well into the evening. The shop assistants will lay before the family hundreds of varying samples of the cookies on sale and the families will mutter and grumble their way through the mounds, washing all down with amply supplied green tea.

Towards evening when most of the members are feeling sick and queuing for the toilet the mothers will take over and get down to the real business. That of choosing the types of cookies to be included in the general boxes, the types to be included in the special boxes and those that will be purchased for the older people. This will take another hour or two and eventually after much hand shaking, form signing and best wishes the family members will all make an exit and feeling none to good. Before departing a date will be set when the boxes are ready and when they will be delivered to the respective families for subsequent distribution.

And now comes the hard part. The backbreaking task of delivering all of these cakes to the hundreds of guests that will be invited. Remembering that "face" is important in the Chinese Culture both couples must take the cakes and the cards to each guest invited personally. And again considering "face": it must be that all persons are invited to the wedding. Immediate and distant family, those who are friends or peers at work, who are bosses or underlings at work, who work in the supermarket were you do your shopping or even because a friend of a friend happens to be passing and you have a wedding cake in your hand. Everybody must be invited who is connected however remotely to either the grooms family or the brides. And the end result? That the cakes must be delivered to well over three hundred guests at the very least!

Yes, three hundred or more guests may be invited, three quarters of whom will not be known by either of the prospective couple and who might not be remembered by anyone at all. Weddings in Taiwan are not small affairs they are the "face" of society and the showing to all neighbors and family that they are the best. This is why weddings cannot be small, they can not be silent family affairs and they definitely cannot be held in secret by a priest dressed up like Elvis Presley and in Down Town Las Vegas. Weddings are a show of status and they must be big, loud and jam packed with all and sundry.

Dates set, cakes bought and delivered, photographs taken and thrown freely around, it is now time to have the Wedding Engagement party. The party is for the immediate family only and can be held anything up to a week before the main wedding days, depending on the urgency of the occasion. A typical time between the engagement and the wedding is about two months.

The engagement party is usually held in a 5 Star Hotel restaurant or at the brides house. The engagement party is a lunchtime affair and will be held after the couple have visited the temple, prayed to the gods and swapped rings. The temple chosen: either a public one or the one to be found at the top of most houses in Taiwan.

Clothes wise the groom will wear any old suit that is deemed appropriate or if all else fails he will rent one from the multi-purpose photograph shop. The Bride will typically also rent a well-chosen dress from this shop and it will be a long flowing, body-hugging affair made from nylon. Nothing outstanding here! Emphasis is not really placed on clothing or style at these weddings as the guests themselves will turn up in anything ranging from T-shirts and shorts with flip flops to well made suits. There are no dress codes for those getting married and guests alike. Wedding dresses are rather more important but even they do not match the style and emphasis placed on them in the Western World.

This meeting of close family gathering for the Engagement is in theory a time for the family to see the couple up close and together. But in reality it is a time for relatives to get together, eat the fancy layout that has been paid for by the brides family and to get totally and utterly drunk. This may only last two hours and within that time food has been eaten, wine has been drunk and then it is time to be on the way. There is nothing fancy or extravagant about these parties, it is simply a get together with little fanfare and fuss.

The only ceremony that must be respected during the lunch is the travelling around the tables at some point or other of the groom and bride. They must go around the tables of relatives, say a few nice words and thanks for coming, raise the glass in a toast and move on.

And that covers the engagement party. The happy couple are now officially engaged!

At this stage the mothers and the Matchmaker have arranged everything for the wedding days ahead, the food and the wine, the venues, the guest seating and how to collect the Red Envelopes that will be given as wedding presents. All that remains is for the couple to get together sort their clothes out for the big day and to make sure that they turn up on time.

Two days are set aside for the wedding. The first day is for the Groom and will typically be outside of his familys house.

The Second day will be the Brides Wedding and will typically be outside of her parents house.

Only guests of the groom, the bride and her close family will attend the Grooms Day. And equally so only the Groom and his close family will attend the Brides Wedding Day!

Yes, I said outside. A special marquee style tent will be set up along the road beside the house, regardless of the traffic that will be halted and the difficulty of neighbors to extract their parked cars from the area. Nothing matters when weddings are concerned, the tent will be set up and all else resulting from the takeover is not their problem. The setting up of the tent outside the house is again part of the "face" of the parents concerned. By having it outside they are displaying to all neighbors that their daughter is getting married and that they have many friends and family and that they can afford to put on a big spread. Weddings can be had in a hotel but these are far and few between and anyway, the neighbors cant see inside of a hotel now can they?

The mothers will have chosen the caterers, the style of the party to be held and the singer. The singer will be present during the whole meal and will sing away on a stage disturbing houses for miles around. If her singing does not wake the baby then the fireworks that are set off at frequent intervals certainly will. Other features of the day will be the ten-course meal including various soups and fish products that the average westerner will find hard to identify with and alcohol and other drinks will be freely available. Tables are set up under the awning and with an average of ten guests to a table there could be thirty or more tables set up. The couples table being no different from the rest will be positioned directly outside the door of the house with all other tables stretching in either direction along the street.

It must be noted at this point that 80% of guests attend a wedding for the free food and drink that is issued freely. The other twenty percent are genuinely interested in seeing their friend or relative being married. The wedding itself from start to finish will only last a maximum of three hours. The guests will arrive mostly late, will sit themselves down and gorge themselves on what is offered before shaking hands and departing. The close family will stay later and finish off all the alcohol and get totally drunk whilst the ladies (including the bride) will clean up the whole mess in and out of the house. Men do not clean, women do!

And that is the wedding Process. Hopefully after the cleanup on the second day the happy couple can depart and set up shop in their own home or go on a nice honeymoon if they can afford to do so.

Face is the most important thing to take note of and the controlling factor during the whole process. At no point: can face be lost or reduced and if anything it must be increased due to the occasion. Guests are invited so that they can witness a superbly orchestrated event, one that boosts the standing and importance of the family (mothers) concerned. Money alone is the factor that dictates the style and type of the wedding so the more money that is spent, the larger is the increase in "face" that will result.

The only duty that the prospective bride and groom have to do during the whole period is to turn up on time, turn out smartly and do exactly as the parents desire.