It was mothers day yesterday and after much "hoo ha" and "balhoola" my wife managed to pinpoint a suitable restaurant and organize the troops in precision detail to arrive at 6pm. The establishment she eventually chose was the Grand Hi Lai's very own Harbour Restaurant a mixture of Western and Asian cuisine, one of Kaohsiung reputedly finer hotels and buffet restaurant that is purportedly the dream of the cities elite to frequent! I, having been in hiding for most of the decision making process, came out to visit this wonder and much talked about social attraction! We arrived at the haloed doors at precisely zero hour and without beating around the bush this is were it all fell apart!

NB: Built by the China Steel Structure Company for completion in 1995, the 186m high building boasts 45 floors The 'eatery' is situated on the 43rd Floor of the Hi Lai Hotel building which also houses the famous Hanshin Department store.

I tend not to write about restaurants, hotels or establishments if they have nothing good to say for themselves (lies apart)! I do not want to be known as the bitter writer who can only string two words together if they are used for scathing attack! I like to write nice articles that promote and I want to put into the written word the homeliness or beauty of a place, to draw a picture through well-written prose! I must though write negatively in this instance! I have to defy my own principles and portray the real truth behind the Harbour Restaurant; this immoral and unpleasant establishment must be exposed and I as a citizen of society must do whatever I can to show the rest of the world what evil lurks behind their closed doors! I will reveal all below and by doing so cleanse myself of the anger that my mother's day visit built-up inside of me!

To get to our table we had to wait at the door for five minutes whilst an 'ear-phoned' and 'wired-up' betty-boop contacted the robots detailed to clean and prepare a table for us! This place was crowded and in true Taiwanese fashion they were ushering in customers and throwing them out as fast as humanely possible - Ford and his conveyor belt could have taken notes here! To get from the front desk to our table took ages as we traversed a mass of starving and seething humanity intent on eating as much as possible as quickly as possible - it seemed in that first glance that nobody bothered to sit at their tables, quite happy to eat standing up around the buffet!

The restaurant is massive and could house at least 300-400 bodies if not more as the table arrangement did not leave much room for maneuver! And it was crowded! Having 'plonked' us unceremoniously at our stretch of wood on supports, 'betty-boop' enquired abruptly as to the circumstances of our missing members (a table for eight had been booked but three ground-troops had not yet arrived)! We informed her that they would be arriving in short order and she stomped off to plug herself back on re-charge at the gate-house! As one tends to do in these sorts of places we headed en-mass for the buffet tables and I must admit that my initial view, one that I managed to obtain whilst standing on tip-toes and peering cross-eyed through three rows of eager-eaters, looked well presented! I headed straight for the Japanese area as I do like my sashimi and sushi but was stopped at first base by the sight of what could be classed as a stampede!

There were bits of raw fish flying everywhere, tongs and fingers jabbing and stabbing faster than a gaggle of knitting needles on high-speed and elbows and feet were being liberally used as space-makers and weapons of attack to gain prime-place at the counter! Not averse to a challenge I scrambled through, nearly beaten off by a kid who sneakily crawled through my legs to appear in-front of me but I successfully wangled a spot through nifty hip-movement and a slight nudge of the elbow to the kid! Every time I went for a slice of raw fish it would disappear as some extra long arm behind would make a grab! I did though get some through aggressive behavior and I also managed through what might be termed 'barging my way out' to get some fresh air on the other side. The kid who had crawled through my legs was not so successful! Either I or someone else had tripped him up and his veritable mountain of sushi/sashimi on the dinner plate (Everest had nothing on this heap) was now all over the floor - not to be disheartened he just picked up the slightly squashed and darker pieces from underneath the hordes feet and carried on out (eating his catch whilst he went)!

Well, that about sums up the rest of the place! The drinks corner had a selection of seemingly watered-down concoctions, the cocktail on the floor making safe navigation through the area and interesting feat! The salad bar looked as if it could have done with more than just a lettuce and tomato array (two vegetables and a choice of six different dressings)! And so it went on……………………

Betty-boop came back to the table quite frequently, every ten-minute or so to re-enquire as to our missing troops! She was getting quite insistent on the matter! I decided to take a photograph of the place for posterity but before I had even cranked up my camera a suited-up and dutifully connected lump of seriousness said "no photographs here"! I looked at him and more through shock than anything else asked him "why not"! Shocked at being talked back to he said again "no photographs here" and walked quickly away! Well, doesn't that beat all! I mean this cattle market was not exactly the model for future places to base their restaurants on!

In fact despite 'betty-boops' continual harassment it was lucky that the three members of our party did not appear till much later! Our plates, the residue of what had been eaten and the three or so cups of coffee that I drank for lack of anything else to do remained with us! I think Mr. Suit and Betty Boop were so busy looking out for suspect camera wielders that he forgot his primary task - to take away plates as they are used!

I must admit that the place was popular and has been so for quite a long time! This popularity though is based upon the Taiwanese love for buffets and the fact that 'name' placing is far more important than quality! As far as the Grand Hi Lai and foreigners go - I was the only white-face in-house on that miserable day! I certainly do not like to be rushed through my meal; I particularly don't see the need to fight tooth and nail for it! Oh, and if I do have to kit-up and prepare for battle I sincerely hope that the winners prize is something more than an urgent visit to the nearest toilet with what can only be described as my bodies complete rejection of the contents received - and I only had a few small pieces of sushi and sashimi and a incy-wincy bit of cram cake that tasted like my grandmothers home-made medicine for curing gout, oh, and a few coffees!

I should have persevered with my photography, although taking photographs of the supposedly impressive night-time view outside was impossible - the windows needed a serious clean! I gave up though under the impressive reasoning of the well-rehearsed jacket! The cockroach scurrying across our table would have been worthy of a snap or two, the sloshing children in the cramped men's toilet would have raised the standards of a port-a-loo on a building site higher and the out-of-action ladies toilets would have won the number-one slot!

Today is the day after that fateful evening and as I sit here on the toilet, a last ditch effort to rid myself of whatever is ailing me! I tap into my laptop all that occurred as it comes to me in the hope that others will not be lead into the trap that I was lead hook, line and sinker into!

Groan……………….