Silas Parks and the Christmas Speech

Christmas is for the family, not for a bunch of seasoned seafarers! Don't get me wrong, it's not the occasion that I find hard to swallow; it's just the fact that all the glitter and glamour doesn't do much for me at all! It's for the children, for the family reunion and whatnot! I'm just a simple Captain who has spent most of his life on the ocean waves and Santa is as far removed from my life here as is my ex-wife!

I'm getting on in years and x-mass is well, just another day in the year! Anyway, the younger lads like to be at home so it's me that ends up onboard, keeping the flag flying if you know what I mean! I would rather be in port of course, then everybody will go ashore and I can just hideaway in my cabin with a little glass of rum to sip on and a good book to read!

This particular Christmas, the one that I recall as if it was only yesterday, turned out to be a disaster, not one of my own making but a series of mishaps and mistaken words of no small proportions and a Christmas that left me with no option but to leave the vessel earlier than I was supposed to!

It all started well before the officers, crew and I had even thought about hanging up the decorations, before the cook started to grease the baking tray and well before the hamper arrived from the office! It all started in November when somebody just happened to mention in passing that he had sailed with me before and that he had heard my Christmas speech! That simple utterance, just a conversation piece I suppose, meant that I would have to prepare a new speech! I couldn't repeat the one that had been heard before now could I? You see, I can drive ships; I can navigate my way from one end of the world to the other but I could never put pen to paper! I mean when I do give the speech anyway, they all look at me with blank expressions, the Chiefs tend to hide their yawns behind oil-stained hands and those at the back, the thirds and cadets are all hiding smirks - I know they are!

Whilst the cook ordered cranberry sauce and worked overtime on mince pies, as the crew eventually located the now rusty Christmas tree stand and resurrected the dusty decorations, I took to spending more time in my cabin to complete the task given to me! My life was a mess! I could not get two sentences onto paper before coming to the conclusion that what I had written down was complete and utter garbage! It all went through my head, the "call-to-duty", the "thank you" from the company and the toasts to everyman jack and his dog but when I tried to put it onto paper it just made no sense whatsoever.

The cook didn't help at all! He ran around the ship one day screaming that somebody had stolen his cooking wine and brandy, just when he was ready to make the Christmas cake. All a fuss about nothing really! I admit that I might have helped myself to a glass or two of his brandy as all we had in the ships bar was beer, but it was only a little glass I took to help myself think. A tiny little glass was all I had!

As November turned into December I was no further along! Now it seemed that work was always getting in the way, ports to visit, cargo crisis to look into and telexes to send regarding food orders and more brandy for the cook! I also had to submit the order for some wines and liqueurs for Christmas day otherwise the whole crew would have been on my back, never mind just the cook! The steward seemed to be emptying my bin on a daily basis now, bits of screwed up paper overflowing from it as I pulled my hair out! I realize that I might have been making a very large mountain out of a very small mole hill but the speech is very important and it can't be messed around with! This has been a maritime tradition since time began; the Captain is expected to give an upbeat and slightly humorous speech before the wine bottle is uncorked and the Christmas lunch demolished! And here I was with absolutely nothing to say!

As Christmas day came closer I struggled harder to get something down onto paper. I asked the Chief Engineer if he had any ideas or thoughts on the matter but he said "can't you see I'm busy"! I approached the Chief Officer on the bridge one day and he muttered "hummmph". Doesn't say much that man! I also asked the third engineer but all he said was "if this carries on much longer we will need to order some more Whisky and Gin".

Well, the days passed by and before I knew it I found myself standing at the head of the offers table with a blank piece of paper in my hand, a steaming turkey in front of me and twenty-five expectant faces looking for me to say something! I must admit at this point that I might have had a couple of drinks that morning, sort of Dutch Courage if you may for the speech ahead! It was all a bit of a blur really! Through the haze of my stage fright, the fact that so much was being demanded of me and the thought of complete failure I decided that a quick gulp of the wine in front of me would probably set me into action. It didn't but the second or third glass did!

I can't remember much after that! I do remember everybody cheering and clapping when my speech was finished, I sort of remember the blood as the knife slipped whilst I attempted to carve the turkey but not much else! I think the effort that I had placed into my speech had caused me to be overworked and be all stressed out, so my brain had shut down for a rest once it was all over! Shame really, as I would have enjoyed a few drinks with my officers, especially since the speech had been so well received!

I recovered a couple of day later! Got my head back on and functioning! I did though wonder what was going on in the ships bar that evening when I stepped in for a night cap! The Chief Officer was actually talking and quite animatedly about pay rises and new ships that the company was buying! The Third Engineer was nodding his head happily and saying "will probably get my promotion now and on a new vessel too"! In fact everybody was all smiles and laughter and talk of increased wages and promotion seemed to be the general topic of conversation! I must have missed something whilst recovering in my cabin for the last two days!

I asked the Chief Officer about what was going on! He 'harrumphed' and slapped his knee whilst saying, "come on old man, have you forgotten the good news already"! And the Chief Engineer said "the best Christmas speech ever it was"!

I must admit that as the story unraveled itself and as it came to light that I knew absolutely nothing about pay rises and new ships and things the room went very cold! One person said later that the beer froze over but I think they might have been exaggerating a tiny bit! It seems that they had mistakenly heard me say in my speech something that I certainly had not said! Well, I can't remember what I said, I have it written down on a piece of paper somewhere but all this seems a bit far-fetched to me! I mean, a couple of drinks wouldn't have made me talk such rubbish now would it?

Anyway, I don't want to dwell on the past, as I've said before I just want to get my life down on paper before I get too old to remember it all! Looking back on that fateful Christmas day I can only think that somebody had drunk a little bit too much and started some rumors that had gotten a little bit out of hand! All that fuss about the cook missing some brandy and the Third Engineer suggesting that we needed more drink sort of all fits into place now!

Not sure why I was blamed for the end-result but regardless, I left the ship to stop any further recriminations and bad feelings and as nobody was talking to me (as they thought it was all my fault) I decided that greener grass might be the best option! I asked the company for medical leave as I had been working too hard and was feeling stressed-out and so before I knew it I was on a plane home!

Never did find that piece of paper with my speech on it!