The Prince the Spider and the Donkey

Prince Ug Li was galloping through the park on his thoroughbred racing donkey when he by chance happened to spot a rather beautiful spider of the Pholcus Phalangioides family or in layman terms a Daddy Long Legs.

The spider, who was showing off a bit of leg whilst watching the world go by, would have been the dream catch of any entomologist the world over. Ug Li though did not know one spider from another, all he knew at this exact point was that he was absolutely terrified of spiders and the mere touch of a cobweb let alone a spider would cause him to break out in a terrible purplish rash that itched for days afterwards.

Raking his spurs across the belly of his faithful stead he managed to increase his 'gallop' from a nearly-stopped walk to the march of a positively paced hedgehog crossing the road. Turning his head away from his personal devil Ug tried to shut out the image of the spider, hoping that his brain would calmly tell his body that all was good in the world!

The spider, enjoying the slight breeze that wafted through the park and the day's heat given off by the rock, noticed the incredibly slow advancement of dark matter - too big to catch in its web and possibly dangerous. Although, while stretching, the spider did come to the conclusion that anything that moved so slow could not really be dangerous, unless it was a steam-roller. Anyway, better to be on the safe side! Massaging each leg joint in turn, one leg doing the next with mathematical doggedness, Herbert the spider surveyed his surroundings, his escape options and emergency flight paths. A tree was always a good bet as they provided height and anchorage to terra firma and with something so big and ponderous working its way towards it, the spider correctly assumed that to be high up would be better than being trampled underfoot. Quickly, straight after watching a little fly being caught in his travelling cobweb and after having watched it die, having pulled off its wings and plucked it clean and after having eaten it Herbert scrambled for the nearest tree and to safety.

Meanwhile, Martha, the lead mount of the Ug family's string of donkeys really hated her master now! Not that this was anything new, the prince was the joke of the stables and generally laughed at from the little newborn foals to grandma donkey herself! But Martha really despised and detested her master more than the others as she had to suffer his plump and sweaty behind on her back, day, after day, after day! And when he raked his large and pointed spurs across her belly, well that was worse than having to eat straw for breakfast, lunch and dinner! Who did Ug think he was - Billy the Kid?

Ug Li (who by the way was half Chinese, half German) decided that his mount was not working at 100 percent capacity and in suitable family tradition he reached for his whip, the only way he knew to get where he wanted to go faster, the only way he knew how to get away from the spider as quickly as he possibly could. Drawing out his whip he flexed it through the air, making it whistle as it snapped back to strike him squarely across his jaw.

Martha squirmed as she heard the whistling sound of the whip, wanted to laugh as she heard the scream of pain from her master but the thought of what would come next caused tears to form in her eyes and stopped the mirth from rising further than her donkey shoe.

Ug Li, who was very used to the whip turning on him, end for ended the whip. With the strap end of the handle grasped firmly in his sweaty paw he repeatedly jabbed his poor stead in the neck, wherever he could find a place to strike whilst trying to avoid hitting himself with the now snake like whip end.

Martha, after many years of servitude and abuse suddenly decided that enough was enough; she just couldn't take it anymore. It was okay for her brothers and sisters back in the stable laughing and joking, but they didn't have to horse the prince's fat arse around. This was one poke too many and so after a hasty decision (for a donkey) she put the brakes on. She came to an abrupt halt under the nearest tree, a weak looking weeping willow that was obviously suffering from the effects of pollution, the ozone layer depletion and the coal fired power station not two feet away. Her Master who had never got to grips with unplanned stops did not fly over his mounts head due to forward momentum but instead sort of flopped sideways and ended up on solid ground with one foot still caught in the stirrups. Martha, deciding that in this position her master was not a potential hazard to herself started to munch happily on a nearby and rather brown patch of grass (anything was better than straw).

Herbert meanwhile, who had been busy ambling up the trunk of a tree, had sort of forgotten why he was there in the first place. Being a merry old spider he was at the time of the Princes fall, balancing himself quite happily on his two rear legs in a game of "I can do it". This game is not recommended in the spider world, especially not without a lifeline to a nearby branch or leaf and not when balanced high up on the trunk of a tree. Alas though, with the average spider having eight legs the game does tend to be very popular amongst the younger generations and it carries over to the older spiders. A simple string of web makes the difference between possible death and just swinging safely, but for the average spider playing safe is worse than not playing at all. Herbert liked to play rough and unfortunately was doing so at the wrong time in life. At the moment that the prince struck earth Herbert was five-minutes into his two legged marathon. When the vibrations rumbled up the trunk Herbert was feeling rather weak at the knees and the sudden thump of the prince caused him to lose his grip and tumble into space and the unknown below.

As Herbert's life flashed in front of his eyes another other event occurred simultaneously and irrespective of the first. Ug, having forgotten about the Spider was roundly cursing out his munching donkey whilst trying to extract his foot from the stirrup. In his efforts he managed to turn around so that he was lying on his back, still with his foot firmly stuck in the stirrup.

Herbert was glad to land on such a soft, balloon like surface and like a lunar landing ship on its arrival placed his eight legs down with sucker like precision. Ug, seeing the addition to his features, screamed long and loud and started to wave his arms like a windmill in a hurricane. Martha panicked upon hearing the harsh and piercing scream from Ug when the spider landed on his nose. She set off at speed in a haphazard lope, the fastest she had moved since the childhood. She loped along dragging the hapless Ug and his now stabilised spider with her.

Ug, the spider and Martha arrived back at the stables in a similar manner to that in which they had left. Once released from the stirrup by a smirking stable-hand the prince staggered straight to bed, whence a Doctor was summoned to his chambers. After three weeks of torment the bright purple rash did recede slightly and he was once more able to move around without being violently sick! Sadly the Ug fortune was at an end and without a Master to take charge of what was left the estate started to crumble. The string of Donkeys went first, without remorse on the prince's part who had sworn never to ride again, until all that was left was the crumbling mansion that he lived in.

Prince Ug was never seen again in public. Rumour have it that he went slightly mad, seeing spiders and cobwebs in every room and every nook and cranny in his mansion! These rumours may have some ounce of truth as his weekly shopping trips to the local 7-eleven did leave lots of people whispering about him still looking very purple!

Herbert having enjoyed immensely this unusual mode of transport decided to set up shop in the nearby mansion and finally ended up having a whole host of little baby spiders. He also persuaded his aunts, uncles and relatives to take up abode nearby, although he did warn them to keep an eye out for the ponderous purple monster that sometimes trampled around screaming hysterically. Martha, eventually released from the boot in her stirrup by a smirking stable hand was eventually sold off by the Ug family. She ended up giving rides on a beach to little children, she was in her element.

Ieuan Dolby
Author and Webmaster of SeaDolby.com
Copyright © Ieuan Dolby, Sept. 2004