Plane Thoughts

THE SETTING

A fine evening, clear skies, windless and warm, not warm enough cause sweat to dribble down the back of the neck, just perfect. A perfect day for almost anything and one of those days is hard to come by when in the Center of London during the month of September. A perfect day for almost anything: but then who cares when catching a plane? It could have been raining giant hailstones, the roads could have been covered in black ice or a heat wave could have struck for all any of the passengers and staff joining flight SI 384 bound for Singapore could have cared.

Passengers fight and jostle in determination and enthusiasm, to beat the queue at the check-in, to buy the duty free for later consumption and to be the first to board. Thirty or so passengers disdainfully ignore the cattle market around them as they float from first class check-in, through the meeting-of-all-souls in the immigration hall to sink into the comfortable armchairs in the members only club.

332 souls, a couple of pilots and a number of well-groomed stewards and stewardesses are soon to take off on runway one at Heathrow Airport and will be together for the thirteen hours and ten minute flight to Singapore.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Flight SI 384 is now ready for boarding. We will be boarding by seat numbers..............

The Stewardess: I was top of my class in 94'. I won the Golden Wing Award for Best Smile and Friendliest Service three years in a row! Pilots fall in love with me, passengers goggle at me with tongues hanging out and the other girls on my team are jealous of my long legs and good looks! Yes, I am the best and I know it and they know it. I am the best and I hate all of it from the moment that I climb aboard and until the moment when I get off! To me this is just an extremely hard way to earn good money and anyway, as soon as a crack or crease appears in my smooth features they will fire me with a click of the fingers! It is not my brain they want it is my good looks! Yeah, I hate it and here and now as I walk through the departure lounge to board the flight I look at another gaggle of prospective passengers and detest them all. For the next thirteen hours I will have to suck up to their every whim, smile pleasantly as they complain volubly and through it all retain composure that I find harder to keep as every trip passes by. Look at them, they only have thirteen hours to go, I have another five years at the very least.

A Passenger in Club: Great stuff. Love flying, everything taken care of for me and I am looked after like a king. I don't fly often myself, once a year maybe and always first class! Of course this is for good reason as I am rather large and need the larger sized seats and because I am rich. Stinking rich if I may say so myself. Stinking rich and I should buy my own plane with my own stewardesses. Great idea! But then if I own them, their smiles and pleasantries might be forced and were would the chase be? All natural here, these girls enjoy the job and they enjoy pampering to me as it gives them a dream that they will never have. Yep, they love me and I love them for the duration of the flight, and after that, well who cares? I wander if that nice stewardess has joined the mile high club? I'll help her, hahaha!

A Passenger in Economy: Why? I always ask why? Me again and flying again, over and over. Question; why do they treat us like cattle? I really, really hate the food they serve-up, plastic trays, plastic knives and plastic food. Hate the bloody stuff! Och, away with them, why should I smile at her even if she smiles at me! Only doin a job isn't she! Nice legs though. I fly sometimes to get to where I want to go and only because ships take such a very long time. Actually, I don't fly very often but often enough to hate it all. I see some of my fellow passengers here getting all excited and into things as if this is the adventure of a lifetime. It will be mates but not a good one! Wait until you settle into your prison for the rest of the night, wait until you need the toilet and have to stand for hours in the long queue before reaching the 'box' that has been overused and smells like a sewer. Yeah, you have it all coming to you!

The Pilot: Another day, another flight!

Ladies and gentleman: Welcome aboard. Please fasten your seat belts and fold back ......

The Passenger in Club: Yikes, she does me good: the little filly. Standing there shaking her stuff! Blowing into her little whistle and looking at me as she does it. Ill get her to sit beside me on this flight, smooch up to her and she will be mine, oh yeah! Wander where she is staying in Singapore?

The Stewardess: That horrible man, the same as thousands of others that float through, all with the same thoughts in their heads. Sex and smooch on the brain, thinking they are kings. Would love to spill some tomato juice over him but it is not worth my job. Doing the Safety Procedures and he just keeps on looking at me. I know that when I blow into the whistle he will get all excited, they all do. I can't help but look at him when I do this as although it makes me sick, it also always makes me check to see if anybody is different. I check to see if there is one man out there who might just be different. Nope, not today!

The Passenger in Economy: Safety Procedures, never look at them, too busy battling with my next door neighbor who has decided that the armrest belongs to him. I've got the window seat but why should he have the arm rest between us. Look at him, sitting there as if he owns the chair and mine as well. Look at him as his head swivels in concert with the Stewards finger as he points out the emergency exit - don't worry mate, you'll crash before you need it. I need the toilet all ready but it is too late, they should fit seat belts in the toilets, when I eventually can get up the queues will be a mile long.

The Pilot: What's that Stewardess's Name? Whoops: must fly straight.

Ladies and Gentlemen: You can now walk around the cabins but whilst seated please keep you seat belts ...........

The Stewardess: Here we go. Time to step out and please all: with a huge smile on my face and hatred in my heart. That fat man at the front has not stopped staring at me. If he carries on I might have to change shift with one of the other girls. Annoying and when will he attempt to run his hand up my leg or slap my bottom with a hollow laugh? Soon I think judging by his tongue hanging out. Drink Sir. Yes, I knew it: he wants a Gin with a twist of lime, why do they all want that? Anyway, must get it for him and try to do it without spilling it all over him. Smile girl, smile, I can't let the corners slip or curl under, as I will never get them back up again. Here you are Sir. He did it and faster than ever before, I knew that this one was a complete slime ball: running his hand over my bottom as I turned away. Eyuk!

The Pilot: Too early for a cup of coffee.

The Passenger in Economy:How can he do it? Falling asleep before we are even up in the air and snoring like a madman to boot! You get two types of passengers who climb all over you, the sleepers who snore and the drinkers who drink and get drunk. Not often you get a nice thin neighbor who reads a magazine and falls asleep without a sound. He snores and I need the toilet, what can I do? Get up and climb over him and maybe stand in his stomach as a silent hint or sit here and suffer? Why me? The outside seat should have been mine but the check-in girl gave me no chance and had me stuck by the window in record fashion. first class, now that is the ticket: but wow, no money, no first class seat. The annoyance on my right seems to be waking, might be able to get out now. Wow, he is glaring at me, what have I done wrong?

The Passenger in Club: Ah, the joys of money. She loves me already, she is smitten by my suave and cool exterior; and do not for a minute think that I am fooled by you, don't play coy with me or hard to get. Let's just get right down to it and if you really want it, membership to the mile high club is yours. Just give me the time and place little girl and I will oblige. They are all the same.

The Pilot: Mary: Susan? I have a crew list somewhere.

Ladies and Gentlemen: We will shortly be serving dinner so please raise your seat backs and ........

The Stewardess: If there is one point out of all the other horrible points that is more horrible than any it is the serving of food. Fish or Chicken Sir, no sorry we don't have char grilled steak with a delicate pepper sauce and served with braised carrots and sauteed potatoes all covered with a crisp parsley sauce. What do you think we are a plane or a five star restaurant? Would you like Fish or Chicken, Sir? Ha, this one is typical - asks for dinner for two, the idiot. Fish or Chicken only Sir and get you hand away from my leg. Away from him and onto the other leaches all slightly better than leach number one at the front. Wow, wouldn't I like to get him alone and beat him around the head with a baseball bat, There must be no other career in the world like this, be abused for thirteen hours and smile throughout and to beat it all we come back for more the next day. Different flights and different passengers, but they are all the same at the end of the day.

The Pilot: Alice, nice name that! Ten minutes more when they have finished serving dinner will be a good time to get a coffee!

The Passenger in Club: Fish or Chicken. I pay so much for so little. I need another drink: they're free so naturally I need another one: where is she the little filly? Don't play hard to get.

The Passenger in Economy: He's looking at me. I'm pretending to sleep, but I can feel his eyes boring into mine. I need the toilet like nothing before but I am too afraid to ask this passenger who has taken a dislike to me for some reason or other. I only want to get to Singapore for a little holiday, it is not too much to ask for in life is it? Hey, this is getting to be silly. I know he has a problem so why does he not just say something. He can have the armrest for all I care. Have it for thirteen hours and enjoy it. Ah, here is the food maybe he will stop staring at me. He's talking to the Stewardess, he is talking to her and they are both looking at me. What on earth is wrong, what have I done, my fly is up, my bags are out of the way, please somebody take me away from all of this.

Ladies and Gentleman: Our feature movie is now ready to be shown, in consideration for ......

A Passenger in Economy: The world and me, me and the world. Is it too much to ask that I fly in peace, untouched and intact or is it that I am doomed to a life of a slave? They both look at me and the poor attendant tells my aggressor that nothing can be done, that he will just have to stay where he is as the flight is full and no other seats are available. Well, blow me down. There she is telling this man that he has to sit next to me and there I am not having a clue as to the reason why. Help me someone, but with a plate of chicken in front of me (that I had not ordered), bursting for the toilet and with a visibly antagonistic person glaring at me from the next seat there is not much that I can do. I will just have to ignore him somehow, contain my toiletry needs and wait it out. Maybe with food inside of him he will fall back asleep again, thus solving one problem but not that of my bladder.

The Passenger in Club: Ah, feels good. Excellent food. Nice knife and fork, would make a nice souvenir. Whoops, they have fallen into my bag and I can't reach down to get them, oh my, what a shame.

The Pilot: I am getting thirsty Mary, no, Alice. What is her name again?

The Stewardess: Oh, Life. One man goggling and hands like a snake every time I pass. Must think I am stupid, I saw him studying the cutlery and yes, there they go ...... blondes' must be stupid, especially ones that fly. I am stupid, stupid, stupid! Just heard from World Traveller Class that a 'racist' is on the loose. A large and obnoxious builder sort who should never have been allowed to buy a ticket is making noises about a coloured gentleman sitting next to him. Stuff them, the whole bunch. I hate my job!

Ladies and Gentleman: We are now going to dim the lights, for those wishing to read ..........

The Pilot: Its time. "Mary could I have a coffee please"!

The Passenger in Economy:Life is weird. He is actually quite frightened to sit next to me. Look at him, he is jumping up and down, fidgeting and always looking at me with hatred and fear. I see it. Why? Now everybody is looking at me, they think it is my fault. Wait, here is the steward: he is talking quietly to the agitator. What is he saying? Ah, my neighbor is getting up maybe they have found another seat for him. Good for him, I hope that life is not always so traumatic. Maybe now I can get to the toilet.

The Stewardess: Silly people. Great idea they had down in Cattle Class to let the coloured gentleman have a seat in first class, seeing as how his neighbor doesn't like to sit next to him. I wonder how the aggressive one is. The Steward down there says that the builder is hopping mad as he thought he would get the first class seat. I think I will seat the victim next to my own personal aggressor, the one with the wandering hands and lewd thoughts. Men!

The Passenger in Club: What's this, a bit of trouble in the ranks? Never travel that way myself, that place is for dogs. Now, you my girl are fit for kings and me of course. Yes, Sir, sit you down and experience the other side of life. You won't see this too often you poor man. Hello Sir! Sit down, sit down, don't block my path I have a girl to catch and a leg to feel, ah soft as silk! What? You young filly, play with me will you. Just wait till later and I will show you the real side of life. Teach this man next to me how to get the ladies.

Ladies and gentleman: We will shortly be landing, please fasten your seat belts and make sure that your tray tables are......

The Passenger in Club: She is playing with me. She is, she is, she is. Oooh, that was a vicious glare, she plays a tough old game.

The Stewardess: Bit of an all right is my new patron. A tall dark and reserved one! Makes a change from everyone else that I have seen. I wonder if I dare to ask him out? No, I cannot. Yes, I can. I will ask him when he leaves the plane. No, how embarrassing, he will just look at me and ignore me. Maybe he doesn't speak English. A note: I will pass him a note with my hotel and number on it. No I wont. Yes I will.

The Pilot: Mary, Alice, can never remember names - whoops, better get this plane down in one piece.

The Passenger in Economy: Wow, this is cool. I could live like this. What a difference these large chairs make, although the passenger next to me fills his seat amply. Yep, could accept this style of life, I bet nobody makes racist comments here. Looked after like a king! The lovely stewardess asked me if I was free for dinner. Wow, this is a real bonus. Of course I am free, I am always free! And the toilets are 'wow': must be double the size of those down at the back.

Ladies and Gentleman: Thank you for flying with us and we hope ............

The Pilot: Phew, another successful flight under the belt. And stupid me it is not Alice or Mary. It is Samantha.

The Passenger in Club: How could she, how could she do it to me. I was only playing with her. No need to inform the Singapore Police that I was harassing her. No need for that at all. It was her fault anyway: she looked at me with that look of hers. I saw it clearly and I was only playing her game. Get your hands off me, who do you think you are? Yes, I know that you are a policeman!

The Passenger in Economy: Bye, Bye Plane. Probably my first and only time in First Class but wow, an experience I will never forget. And it is not over, there she is: smiling at me as I leave. Shall I say anything? No, I will just nod my head and walk past. No, I will nod my head and say 'see you later', yes, that was the correct thing to do. She smiled back. What a lovely smile.

The Stewardess: Ah, maybe I should not have filed a report about that man. But he was horrible. No regrets, no, no regrets. Ah, my reserved passenger is coming, he smiles, he speaks, what a man. Oh, yes please.

Ladies and Gentleman: Flight XXX is now ready for boarding. We will be boarding by................

Ieuan Dolby
Author and Webmaster of SeaDolby.com
Copyright © Ieuan Dolby, March 2003