The Fly on the Wall

Mrs Smith sister's dog has just peed on the neighbours door step. I don't know Mrs Smith, otherwise known as Betty to her friends, and neither does anybody else on the number 56 bus.

Wait a mo, I feel that last bit that I have just said is not exactly true, I do know that she has a dog that has just peed on the neighbours door step and I know that her neighbour is called 'the dog hater next door'. I also know that she suffers from a slight pain in her right hip and that when she gets off the bus she will step off with her left leg first. I will check that shortly, unless I get off before she does! That is how well I know her!

There are a lot of people on this bus, in fact it is standing room only and there are two people that hate standing on buses. In fact one is suggesting something terrible that the bus company should do with themselves whilst the other sounds as if he should be in hospital with the pains that the standing is causing him to suffer. Yes, allot of people on here and it seems that it is only I who does not feel the need to impart my life and feelings to the congregation. Apart from Betty's problems overwhelming me with pity (for the dog, Betty or the neighbour I am as yet undecided) it seems that I should immediately purchase shares in some company or other and then sell them not soon after and I am angered at the total disregard given by someone's boss to the cleaner who changed from apple smelling air freshener to a more gentle rose one - gentler on the nose and seems to linger longer.

It certainly is true, Betty does have a slight pain in her right hip and she did get off with her left leg first!

I am beginning to get to know everyone on this talkative transport. I am like the fly on the wall watching so many lives, feelings and attitudes. All portrayed in graphic detail. Tony is on his way home from the gym; in fact for anybody that was unsure as to the number of the bus they currently have the pleasure of riding on, it is the number 42; he shouted it out more than a few times for all to hear. He's actually on steroids but don't tell his mum that! Sara loves Jack because he has a large ***** but he's dating another girl.

Actually Tony is busy telling us all that the bus is painted red!

This bus is like a busy day in parliament, all onboard trying to get their view point heard and all oblivious to everything else around them. From my corner at the back (the one right above the engine so the seat gets a wee bit warm) I could shut them all out and let the noise run into what might be a sheep farm, Baaaaa, Meeeeeh, ba, ba! But to pass the time it hurts not to take myself into their living rooms and into their offices and social lives; it is soap opera fascination to travel with them through affairs and separations and back again and to commiserate and revel in the happiness of past and present events and occurrences. For free, I have a front row seat in what is possibly the best drama one can have the pleasure of watching.

I'm lying! If I had the choice I would take very single mobile phone on that bus and smash them all with deliberate precision and enjoyment. With a big hammer I would wipe out all of the musical rings, beeps and mind destroying tones that jar and jolt people's arms to search pockets and bags in endless routine.

I can't do that! So instead I accept my fate and let myself be drawn asunder into intrigue whilst trying desperately to avoid the spittle that the bricklayer called "brickie" seems to issue out every time he talks, like a fire hose under pressure. Whilst avoiding the spray I managed to gleam the fact that Tony also has a large ***** and it got me to wandering if he has a girl friend! Well, it makes sense really because Jack is dating the other girl so Sara could go out with Tony who might be available - although she might not agree with his substance abuse.

I'm actually sitting next to a rather an old gentleman who snores in his sleep! He's just come back from a holiday in the good old USA and supposedly his hosts complained about his nasal problem! I feel sorry for the old chap as he looks very small and harmless; maybe if he puts his phone down I could say how sorry I am about what happened. But then his holiday failure is nothing compared to the rather rotund man near the front of the bus who came home to find his wife in an incriminating position with another bloke! Anyway, it's lucky I did not buy those shares, lucky I was stuck on this bus with this fountain of stock market knowledge as supposedly those very same shares have just fallen through the roof! I hope not through the roof of this bus! Feels like they have because it's raining inside here, oh no it's not, just 'brickie' getting excited.

Ach, Tony does have a friend, not a girl but a boy but whatever his large **** is not available for Sara, who by the way was telling 'porky pies' before as she doesn't love Jack at all, she is just after his money! Shame, I thought she looked such a nice girl!

Whoops just missed my stop, must phone someone and tell them!

Ieuan Dolby
Author and Webmaster of SeaDolby.com
Copyright © Ieuan Dolby, October 2004