Breakdowns

That most infuriating of all phone calls from the Bridge to the Engine room. 'How long is it going to take?'

You hear the phone ring and swear. You let go of the broken lube oil pipe and it sprays hot oil all over you. You drop the shifter (adjustable spanner) into the bilges. You slide over to the phone and tell who ever it is, to go forth and multiply.

'How long is it going to take?' I mean how the bloody hell do I know. I'm only a watch keeping Third Engineer, not God.

I am digressing. Picture the scenario, there you are, supping a cup of tea, three and a half hours into the 00.00 to 04.00 watch, wondering how many beers the bloody second mates pinched from your fridge, when the alarm siren goes off and lights start flashing. Only high bilge water alarm you say to your self and wander over to the console to cancel it for the Second Engineer to deal with. It'll give him something to do apart from eating bacon sandwiches. Then you notice it's the first stage alarm for low lube oil pressure. You're eyes shift automatically to the oil pressure gauge, and before you can react the needle drops to zero as the low lube oil cut out… has cut in, and stopped the bloody engine.

It always happens towards the end of your watch. It's sod's law. It means you're going to be stuck down in the fiery inferno long after you've supposed to be relieved!

You ring up the bridge and tell them that the main engines stopped because the chances are the Second Mate hasn't noticed. It's highly likely that he isn't even there. He's probably left a first trip Cadet on the bridge to 'keep an eye on things' while he nips down to raid your fridge before you come off watch.

The Cadet in a fit of panic calls the Captain, you wonder if you better call the Chief Engineer, but as you know he's now comatose after two bottles of gin, you decide to wait and assess things first. You tell the seventy five year old donkey man to go and wake the Second Engineer, instead.

The out of breath Second mate rings next to tell you the engine's stopped. You mention, in passing that you are aware of this fact and will let him know why when you've have had a chance to actually go and have a look, instead of having to answer the effing phone.

Then the Second Mate notices the Captain, who's busy on the bridge wing swaying with the roll of the ship. He's trying desperately to steady himself while at the same time he scans the ocean astern of the ship clasping a pair of binoculars to his eye with one hand, and holding his pyjama bottoms up with the other. The message he got was something garbled about the Second Mate disappearing.

'All in hand Captain,' says the Second Mate.

The Captain whirls around and pyjamas slowly slide down to the deck.

Of course, after it's explained to him the Captain gets the Cadet to phone the engine room to enquire about the time angle, he wouldn't dare do it himself, he's too shrewd, he knows exactly what the answer will be. Instead he orders the cadet to wake the Chief Engineer up (if he can) and takes delight in knowing that the old bastard will probably break a leg going down the engine room ladder, if he gets that far.

The Chief Engineer wakes up to find some idiot blowing in his ear. A little known waking up trick, told to the Cadet by the bosun, one day whilst pretending to grease the life boat davits. He makes a grab for his glasses, the ship rolls and he falls out of his bunk. The Cadet beats a hasty retreat. The Chief Engineer knows the engine's stopped, he's had engines stop on him for the last forty years and he knows that he will be called if needed and goes to the bathroom, to get his teeth.

By the time you've stopped the lube oil stand by pump that has come on automatically and sprayed two tons of oil over the Engine room plates from the broken pipe, stopped all the other alarms that have a domino effect when this sort of thing happens, the donkey man comes to tell you he has called the Second Engineer and to tell you he will be down when he's cooked his bacon sandwich.

After ten minutes of slipping and sliding about you manage to disconnect the errant pipe and take it to the workshop. After a cursory examination you can tell that the pipe has split open on a previous 'temporary' repair made perhaps five years ago.

You then make another temporary repair over the existing one, fit it back, test it with the stand by pump, meet the Second Engineer in the control room, tell him it's O.K. and could he fill your watch keeping log in as you've been otherwise engaged. You start the engine again.

The Second Engineer then phones the bridge to tell them he has fixed the problem and the panic is over.

The First Mate who is relieving the Second Mate on the bridge is oblivious to any stoppage and stares vacantly at the chart. The Captain decides to look in on the Chief Engineer as he returns to his cabin. The Chief is struggling into a pair of overalls but quickly reverses his actions and makes out he is just taking them off after sorting out the problem, down below.

This doesn't fool the Captain, but then again why push the point. They've sailed together for years. The Chief opens a desk draw and shakily produces a bottle of Gordons. He knows the Captain. The Captain goes to the Chief's fridge and breaks off some ice. 'I think we sorted that problem out very well,' says the Chief.

'Yes,' says the Captain, Reminds me of the time in…..'

One deck below, sitting on an old newspaper covered chair, because you haven't bothered to take off your overalls yet, you are just cracking open your first can when the Second Mate appears. He obviously hasn't any beers himself and didn't have time to raid your fridge. No matter let's have one or two before crashing.