The Difference Between Us

At home in Edinburgh, safe in my own cozy existence were all is known and predictable, life is so routine. Nothing is more typical than discussing the weather, something that we British excel-in above all other nations. The most common of which is: "Nice day today". This is an automated response. It has no meaning. If I were to teach English as a Foreign Language I would use this expression in replacement of the old "hello". It may be sunny outside or it may be blowing a force ten gale yet a, "Nice day today", is deemed acceptable for all occasions.

I would estimate that at least three minutes of any typical telephone conversation is spent on discussing the weather. Nice day today.......rained yesterday.......was going to go on a picnic but the weather man said light showers might be expected.......might be nice tomorrow.....hope we have a white Christmas.......and so on and so forth.

Boss: "Joe, how are things?

Joe: "Fine Boss, nice day today"

Boss: "Yeah, took the family out on a picnic"

Joe: "Great stuff, I was thinking of going skiing tomorrow"

a while later..........

Joe: "yeah Boss, I might bring my umbrella into work, never know when it will rain eh"?

Boss: "ah Joe, reminds me of why I called! No need to come in tomorrow as you've been sacked!"

Telephone or not, the weather discussion precedes all else and I am sure that before Mr. Caveman went off to find a dinosaur or two for dinner, he mused over the weather with his wife and a cup of tea first. And of course when Caesar fanned his army across Europe he was most surprised to have to discuss the weather before the English fought back. Official business cannot be conducted without the seemingly obligatory daily weather report, family members cannot communicate without having a daily update first and conversations of the heart cannot be broached without a full analysis of the rain that drizzled over breakfast time. The weather in Britain is as unpredictable as the accuracy of most peoples conversational gambit, more predictable than the daily weather forecast issued by supposed experts and something that is very British indeed.

One never thinks about this sort of thing till the opposite hits them in the face! That generally comes when leaving the routine of British life and its weather to head abroad. Away from the sanctity of British shores the weather issue fades away to nothing, it is just not of interest to those that do not work on Environmental issues or grow tomatoes for a living. Away from Britain the weather is allowed to do whatever it wants and to do so without the interference of so many busy bodies. People abroad would regard me as strange if I started a discussion on the barometric change noted that morning before leaving the house, or how my roses need water as we might expect a heat-wave that afternoon!

Often whilst traveling, when stuck for something to say to people that I have little to do with, I have resorted to some innocuous weather statistic like: "looks like the sun will shine soon". This is usually received in embarrassed silence, they trying to work out why I should say such a thing when it is so obvious and I because that statement has exhausted my stock of pleasantries. I often feel that those persons faced with these useless bits of information feel the urge to say, "I can look out of the bloody window as well you can, thank you", but resist doing so from politeness.

A cultural 'booha' happened to me one day whilst I was navigating my way from the comfort of my bed to the office. Yes, in Singapore and living on the tenth floor of a newly built and sterile apartment block. I did not know anyone around and basically regarded myself as one of the millions who traipse to work everyday in a shell like existence, routine of a different sort. Anyway, there I was, basically still asleep and in the lift on my way down. The lift stopped at the ninth floor and in got this Chinese couple who I had vaguely seen before but who I had never swapped pleasantries with. I for some reason resorted to my "nice day today", having no idea as to whether it was sunny, rainy or blowing a typhoon outside. I immediately cringed inwards upon hearing myself saying this........why, oh why oh why, could I not have kept my mouth shut? This couple though woke me up and took me out of my misery with there own conversational piece, not one that I would have expected in any shape or form. By the seventh floor, they had got over my stupid statement and the husband came up with his opening gambit.

"How much money do you earn"? He said happily

Shock, brain goes into overdrive. My turn to be totally and utterly stunned. I am not sure of my reply, but it was something like "enough to get by" or "erm, not enough". Us British cannot cope with such directness, the acceptance of a sunny day is about enough of a commitment for anyone, especialy first thing in the morning. It was by the third floor that I was beginning to shake off the effects of that hard hitting question, when the wife totally knocked me off my feet.

"What did you have for breakfast this morning", she enquired jovially?

Oooh, help me someone! I for my part had not had breakfast that morning. In my stunned condition I felt that a response of that nature would not be appropriate. I can still hear myself, clearly and distinctly, muttering, eggs, bacon, sausage, corn flakes and pork chops and some cheese. That lift took what seemed like hours to traverse those three remaining floors, on and on and on that silence went, with me dying of embarrassment.

When the lift doors finally opened on the ground floor I ruined any vestige of stability when my departing words sprang out from my mouth, totally against my will. "Might rain later", I said.

I took the stairs after that!